16 October 2008: Vienna, Austria

I woke up at 10:15, which is pretty late by hostel standards, but everyone else in the room was still sleeping. It only means that I was the first of four, but that's a bit more heartening than waking up last on your first day in a new city.

I went next door to talk to the woman who runs the hostel, and who had said we could store our stuff for the day. She said that the free storage was only for people who were coming back for another night. I asked how much a second night would be, and though it only would have been another €11 I was pretty confident I'd be able to find something better. So I talked her down to €3 for the day combined for my stuff and Marvin's and called it a win.

I met Axel at 12:15 to try to find employment at the University of Vienna. A girl he knows, Marie, said to find the "big board" that had listings of students looking for English help, and which she had used for a whole semester to get some extra cash.

Axel said he knew where the big board was, but after walking around for a while I asked him if he was sure. He said he was, the big board was by this one copy shop, but after walking around even longer we had still found nothing. So finally I asked him if he actually knew where the copy shop was, and he looked at a map of the campus and, I'm not kidding, traced his finger around the outline and said "somewhere here." I asked him if he was joking, and he said he had only been there once. Which I guess explained why he had thought he knew where it was.

I could not believe it.

We had literally spent three hours walking around trying to find the big board by the copy shop when Axel had no idea where the board OR the copy shop was located. Finally Axel said he had to go back to his place, and I was too frustrated to continue looking. I asked if I could move the stuff from the hostel to his place, and he agreed. So we walked back to the hostel and transported it all, with Axel carrying Marvin's bag.

Now, here is where I have to clarify about "Axel's place." He moved to Vienna from Germany a couple weeks earlier and has been staying with a woman he found on CouchSurfing.com, otherwise known as ICantDoItMyself.com. The woman, whom Axel calls "my lady," is 45 years old and gets dressed in front of Axel. Axel claims that she is wildly into him but that he isn't interested at all, but he says he "likes to take her out once in a while."

(And also, before I asked about storing our stuff for the night, I asked if Marvin and I could actually just crash at his place. He said there wasn't enough room, which was reasonable since he was, of course, already staying there himself.)

When we got to the apartment building I offered to bring my stuff up to the flat, since otherwise Axel would have had to carry all three things-- Marvin's bag, my pack, and my backpack-- by himself. He refused my offer because "she might be back," even though it was still an hour before he said she usually got home. Seemed a bit fishy, but whatever.

Before I left I asked him if I would be able to run upstairs when Marvin and I returned in order to change clothes before going out, and he handed me a plastic bag and told me "put your clothes in here and I'll bring the bag down when you come." I'm not kidding, this actually happened.

Finally, just trying to see how far he would take this, I asked if Marvin and I could bring some beer to the flat and then drink it in the apartment. Not a chance, he said that we would just drink it in the garage.

I asked him why he was being such a douche about this-- my words, in fact-- and he said that his lady would get mad if he brought people over. And, if she got mad, he wouldn't be able to crash there anymore.

I'll give him that-- she, of course, could kick him out whenever she felt like it-- but the woman is a host on CouchSurfing.com, for God's sake. She is a member of a website whose only purpose is to enable people (her) to help other people (Axel, Marvin, me) find a place to sleep. That's the only purpose for the entire freaking website. SHE LIKES TO MEET TRAVELERS AND HELP THEM OUT! How would this woman not be willing to let me and Marvin relax for a bit and have a beer and take a shower?

Something was VERY fishy.

Anyway, I went back to the University after this but, now that my stuff was stored for the night, I was feeling less of a need to find a couch since I could just find one at the bar. Marvin might be out of luck, since I was pretty confident he lacked the requisite social skills to find a couch himself, but I wasn't too concerned. At least, I was less concerned with that than with my e-mail.

(One of which was to the head-person of the English and History faculties, telling her I was a college graduate looking to spend some time in Vienna and hoping to be able to work as an assistant for a professor. I asked her to forward the e-mail to the English and History professors, so we'll see.)

I met Marvin at 6:00 and we picked up some beer for 64 cents per can and then headed to Axel's place. We were able to find our way pretty close to the flat but didn't know the final directions, so Marvin called to ask. Axel picked up and, according to Marvin, spoke practically in a whisper the entire time. He wouldn't tell Marvin the address but said he would meet us at a street corner near the place. Dodgy?

So we waited in the bus stop at the street corner for no less than half an hour before Axel came down. Carrying, I kid you not, my "changing bag." He actually brought it down, along with Marvin's bag. Just in case he wanted to change too, I guess.

Marvin asked if he could go up to shower and Axel said he couldn't because his lady was getting dressed. Marvin asked if he could shower after she left, and Axel begrudgingly agreed. Which was a bold move, because it meant he was locked in. If she was still there when we went up we would know something bogus was definitely up, although it didn't necessarily mean that she was actually there at the moment.

So Marvin and I waited in the bus stop for another half an hour, during which time we both agreed that Axel was acting incredibly bizarre and that the whole thing was suspicious as hell. Like you didn't realize that.

Finally Axel came down and said we could come up. I told him how absurd he was being, and was actually going off pretty bad because he was being such an idiot, and he said "I don't have to explain myself." Of course you don't, but you ARE being an idiot about it.

When we went upstairs Axel's lady really was gone, which means he at least passed half the test-- although, like I said, maybe she was never even there to begin with. Axel said she would be gone for an hour and Marvin said I could take the first shower, which I guess Axel hadn't been anticipating because he mumbled something under his breath and then said "Don't make me lose my couch." First of all, I don't take hour-long showers, so I didn't forsee it being a problem. But second of all, "if you lose the couch it's your own fault because you should have just told her we were coming up." I couldn't believe this guy.

Not only that, but Axel had said there wasn't any room for me and Marvin to crash. Really? There was not one but TWO couches. In the living room. With enough floor space for the entire hostel from the previous night to sleep there. I hated this guy.

Someway, somehow we managed to leave the apartment before Axel's lady came back and kicked him out-- thank goodness for that-- and we started walking to the bar. Along the way, as per the only thing he does in social situations, Marvin told me to talk to a girl we passed by. I did and got her to come to the bar with us.

Hell, the girl even bought us all a round, no thanks to the other two. Am I good or what?

And so it was me and the girl talking and Marvin and Axel huddled to their side of the table. I swear, these are the two most anti-social people I had ever met. I can't begin to explain it.

After a while I had to go to the bathroom but I couldn't leave the table for fear that Axel and Marvin would cock-block me. Worse than that, I couldn't leave the table for fear that Axel and Marvin would internationally cock-block me.

But I couldn't hold it forever, and when I came back from the bathroom the girl was talking to Marvin and Axel in German. As I feared. I couldn't understand a word of what they were saying, of course, but what I most definitely COULD understand was when she gave me a weird look, wrote down her e-mail address, said goodbye and left. Just like that. I'll never know what they said to her, but I'm guessing it was something like "I hope we can stay out all night but I might need to change my diaper soon. Do you think this place has clean ones somewhere?"

We left pretty soon after that because I couldn't believe I was sitting here with this two idiots and we tried to find a new bar. Axel had one particular bar in mind that he liked but forgot where it was so he asked someone, and when she started to tell him he literally took out a map and had her point out the directions. The night just kept getting better and better.

And so we would keep walking and I would keep talking to people and the Two Social Retards would keep waiting to the side for me to finish, and by this point it was almost like a game. And when we finally got the place, called Club Flex, we found a druggie bar with a €7 dance floor. Which, considering neither Axel nor Marvin are druggies or like to dance, indicated we were at not-so-good a place.

I suggested we try somewhere else and Axel got pissed. He said "nothing is good enough for you" and then, I swear to you, asked if I wanted to fuck him up. He actually said this. I said I just wanted to go to another bar. He said he would throw my stuff out when he got back to his place that night and, hopefully, it would still be there in the morning.

Oh?

To be honest, considering how much I disliked the guy this probably wasn't unexpected, but making that threat is inexcusable. He called me out for not finding a couch by that point, but I said that we had been out for all of an hour, had been in a bar for half an hour, and that in that time I had already gotten an e-mail address and talked to about half a dozen people. And he had taken out his map for directions.

I said he was the most anti-social person ever, he said he'd have more fun without me, I said he wouldn't even talk to people, he said he would burn my stuff.

Stop right there.

OK, now it was serious. Now I had to beat him back to his place, absolutely had to. So I got up and thanked Marvin for letting me crash at his place those few nights in Budapest. And here, to my complete surprise, he said that I had been a terrible guest. I asked him why he thought that and he said because I hadn't cleaned up after dinner the first night-- not true-- and I had used his soap in the shower-- guilty as charged. That didn't really seem like such a sin, to be honest, and I asked him what else. He said "That's not enough? You ate my cheese the night after the club, too."

I swear to you, this was what he said.

Now, of course, the whole thing was terribly absurd-- I mean, it had been pretty awkward with him at times but I thought for the most part it was alright for both of us-- but I didn't really have time to argue with him now. I left the bar and asked a girl for directions back to Axel's place, but she said it was a very long walk away and would take well over an hour. I definitely didn't have the time for that, since Axel and Marvin would call a cab. But I also didn't have any money because I had left it all at home in order to not get myself into a financial hole on only the second night.

I told the girl my predicament and, like Helen of Troy herself, gave me €10 for the cab. Wow.

So I beat them home by a decent amount of time and waited around outside for them to show up. After a little while it occured to me to try the door for the garage, and it opened. Then I tried the door for the building, and it too opened.

Now I was in, but I didn't know the apartment number. I was about to knock on what I thought was the right door, then, but at that exact moment I heard the downstairs door open and the sound of Axel and Marvin talking.

They were surprised to see me, that's for sure, but unforunately I hadn't successfully retrieved my stuff. They wouldn't be burning it, of course, but it was in their flat and Axel got it while Marvin blocked the door.

(And seriously, I couldn't believe just how much Marvin had turned on me. It was incomprehensible, it really was.)

Now, it's important to note that I owed Marvin €10 from the security deposit at the hostel. I had had every intention of paying him the money, of course, but when Axel came out with my stuff he said that Marvin owed him €10 and he wanted the money from me instead.

He then said that he had taken "something expensive" from my bag and would only give it back if I gave him the €10.

The thing is, first of all, I was not going to negotiate with this dude. He had literally and actually threatened to destroy everything that I owned, and I figured that since he wasn't able to light my stuff on fire he was just trying to get what he could from me instead. Like €10. I did a quick check of my stuff and found my wallet, my passport and my camera. I don't really have many gadgets, so I called his bluff. And left.

And only when I got outside did I realize I had forgotten about my iPod. I checked for that and realized he had taken it. But by this point it was too late. I went to sleep in the garage.

***********************

There is A LOT about these events.

1) First of all, and this is the thing, even if Axel had ended up being cheated out of €10, he would have deserved everything. Seriously, you don't threaten to SET FIRE to a backpacker's backpack because, guess what, that's my entire livelihood. That's it and that's everything. You don't fucking do that.

2) Axel should know better. I'm not going to call him a backpacker, because he's not anywhere even remotely close to that level, but he is traveling with his things and only has what he has. He should know better.

3) Axel doesn't deserve to be on CouchSurfing.com. I don't care if it is couch surfing for pussies, he needs to have his account deleted. You DON'T do that to a fellow couch-surfer-- especially one who's doing it the hard way.

4) I should have seen this coming. I mean, I really should have. Not because Axel was such a terrible guy during the day, but just because it was obvious every moment that I was with him that he didn't have a clue how to interact with people and would be prone to pull a stunt like this. I should have backed out when I had the chance.

5) I was pretty hurt by the accusations-- by "ungrateful" from Axel and "bad guest" from Marvin. The two often go hand-in-hand, but if I'm a bad guest because I use your soap or eat cheese when we get back from the bar, then you shouldn't have offered me a couch to sleep on. Because, guess what, I need a couch for a reason, and I need to shower as a fact of life. But calling me ungrateful hurt even worse, since that's the thing I try most to avoid. I always make a conscious effort to thank the people that put me up, or that get me food, or that hand me some money, and I do it the point that some of them find it off-putting. But I do everything that I can to make sure people know how grateful I am for their help, and it hurt to be called ungrateful, it really did. Even if I know that he was off-base with the accusation.

6) I have a tendency to be a condescending traveler, as evidenced by ICantDoItMyself.com and the way I always try to do things unconventionally. I'll admit that that isn't such a good thing, since everyone travels their own way, there's no "right" way to travel, and once in a while even I will have to veer from my traveling principals. And, mostly, everyone travels their own way. I need to remember that. The other thing is that I'm an arrogant traveler, but that's a necessity. You have to be arrogant if you're going to travel like I do, otherwise you're going to give up too easily and pay for a hostel at the first sign of difficulties. You have to KNOW you're going to find a couch, otherwise you never will.

7) 95% of couches are brilliant. 5% of couches steal your iPod.

8) Threatening to destroy someone's stuff is unacceptable when they've trusted you enough to leave their stuff at your place. I don't care how bad the person is, you tell them to leave first thing in the morning. Hell, you tell them they have to find somewhere else to sleep that night. But you DON'T threaten to destroy their pack. After all, that's a traveler's entire livelihood.